Life right now...

I know it's been a while but I'm still here and I have much to tell. As you all know I am still taking a break from ttc but I am making plans for the near future. I have talked it over with my fiancee and we have decided to go for an IUI after the wedding. I have contacted a fertility clinic close to where we may be moving and it is quite affordable ( a pleasant surprise to the infertile and on a budget) so we were really pleased with that. The only catch is I have discovered a mass on my left breast and I have to have it checked out. Last year I had an excisional biopsy on my right breast and they found atypical ductal hyperplasia and that can increase the chance of developing cancer on either breast so my doctor said I'd have to monitor them frequently. Honestly I don't believe it's anything serious but it's always better to be safe than to be sorry. Moving on to other news, my parents are in the process of possibly adopting my cousin's. This has stirred a number of conflicting emotions in me. For a while I didn't know how to feel about it and it was very awkward but I'm warming up to the idea. The baby will be very well taken care of by my parents and really that's all it comes down to. He's a sweet little boy 7 weeks old. You can't look at him without him melting your heart, if all goes well he will be my new baby brother. Now on to the wedding, plans are rolling. A lot of this wedding is DIY because we are on a very tight budget. My dress is here and other is gorgeous but it does need some alterations as I'm fairly short and a little top heavy for my size so I have to order a bigger size than what I normally wear in order to fit the girls. Is it me or has there been entirely too much boob talk in this post? Lol. I've been working on my centerpieces slowly but surely everything is coming together. I have my trial updo hair appointment on the 15th so I will be letting you know how it all goes. I plan on posting pictures of the wedding so I can share my special day with all of you*** Good luck and babydust to all!***

What's new

As of late I haven't had the time to sit down and write so I have much to talk about. Two weeks ago I got engaged!!! :) My wedding is to take place on May 24th of this year so I have been trying to get everything for the wedding in order since I only have a little over 3 months to get it all done. Also my fiancée and I ( oh, I love how that sounds ) will be moving to another state. He will be leaving before I do possibly in late March and I will be moving the day after the wedding. On top of all of this I've been working a lot more, which is great but it leaves me with hardly any downtime besides sleeping, showering and eating. I will say that I'm ecstatic to say the least and I'm so thankful because I truly feel blessed at this time in my life. As to my fertility treatment, as you all know I am on break and though I was leaning towards a one cycle break I may be on break until after the wedding when if all goes right I will be able to afford an RE. Sending you all positive thoughts and lots of babydust *****

Not my day

When I took a pregnancy test this morning I knew it would be negative so when I saw the results confirm my suspicions I was not surprised but not being surprised did not mean not disappointed. As I was headed to my doctor's office I felt the warm tears start to roll down my face. I composed myself as well as I could in the waiting room until I noticed it was full of babies. There was an older couple with their grandson talking to some other patient about how wonderful it was to be a grandparent and what not and how cute he was and I just thought I might never get to give my parents a grandchild. Needless to say more tears came. I hid my crying as best I could. My name was called and in I went. I told my doc about the failed pregnancy test and she had me take another one there. Why? I wish I knew. I had to hear the nurse call out the results to my doc from across the hall. Negative... I felt at this moment I was getting ready to fall apart but it wasn't until I was getting ready to leave that I really couldn't take it anymore. I overheard a young lady there talking about how she just found out she was pregnant and it was such a big surprise because she was on birth control and how she was planning on getting her tubes tied as soon as she had it. I just thought of the unfairness of it all and I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I think I might do this next cycle with femara and then take a break from ttc.

Test day...

Test day is coming. I don't know where my positivity went but I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment. A few days ago I dreamed I got a bfp and I was so happy, so sure that was a sign this cycle was the one. We did have great timing with the bd'ing but something feels off.There is a serious lack of symptoms. That coupled with experience is enough for me to feel ridiculous for having any hope.I have never gotten a bfp, why would this be any different? A part of me wants to just give up. I'll never be able to afford IVF or adoption so this really does feel like I'm nearing the end of the road. I know that it's still early and things may change but I just don't see it.Test day is this Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.This is what infertility has done to me.