Life right now...

I know it's been a while but I'm still here and I have much to tell. As you all know I am still taking a break from ttc but I am making plans for the near future. I have talked it over with my fiancee and we have decided to go for an IUI after the wedding. I have contacted a fertility clinic close to where we may be moving and it is quite affordable ( a pleasant surprise to the infertile and on a budget) so we were really pleased with that. The only catch is I have discovered a mass on my left breast and I have to have it checked out. Last year I had an excisional biopsy on my right breast and they found atypical ductal hyperplasia and that can increase the chance of developing cancer on either breast so my doctor said I'd have to monitor them frequently. Honestly I don't believe it's anything serious but it's always better to be safe than to be sorry. Moving on to other news, my parents are in the process of possibly adopting my cousin's. This has stirred a number of conflicting emotions in me. For a while I didn't know how to feel about it and it was very awkward but I'm warming up to the idea. The baby will be very well taken care of by my parents and really that's all it comes down to. He's a sweet little boy 7 weeks old. You can't look at him without him melting your heart, if all goes well he will be my new baby brother. Now on to the wedding, plans are rolling. A lot of this wedding is DIY because we are on a very tight budget. My dress is here and other is gorgeous but it does need some alterations as I'm fairly short and a little top heavy for my size so I have to order a bigger size than what I normally wear in order to fit the girls. Is it me or has there been entirely too much boob talk in this post? Lol. I've been working on my centerpieces slowly but surely everything is coming together. I have my trial updo hair appointment on the 15th so I will be letting you know how it all goes. I plan on posting pictures of the wedding so I can share my special day with all of you*** Good luck and babydust to all!***

What's new

As of late I haven't had the time to sit down and write so I have much to talk about. Two weeks ago I got engaged!!! :) My wedding is to take place on May 24th of this year so I have been trying to get everything for the wedding in order since I only have a little over 3 months to get it all done. Also my fiancée and I ( oh, I love how that sounds ) will be moving to another state. He will be leaving before I do possibly in late March and I will be moving the day after the wedding. On top of all of this I've been working a lot more, which is great but it leaves me with hardly any downtime besides sleeping, showering and eating. I will say that I'm ecstatic to say the least and I'm so thankful because I truly feel blessed at this time in my life. As to my fertility treatment, as you all know I am on break and though I was leaning towards a one cycle break I may be on break until after the wedding when if all goes right I will be able to afford an RE. Sending you all positive thoughts and lots of babydust *****

Not my day

When I took a pregnancy test this morning I knew it would be negative so when I saw the results confirm my suspicions I was not surprised but not being surprised did not mean not disappointed. As I was headed to my doctor's office I felt the warm tears start to roll down my face. I composed myself as well as I could in the waiting room until I noticed it was full of babies. There was an older couple with their grandson talking to some other patient about how wonderful it was to be a grandparent and what not and how cute he was and I just thought I might never get to give my parents a grandchild. Needless to say more tears came. I hid my crying as best I could. My name was called and in I went. I told my doc about the failed pregnancy test and she had me take another one there. Why? I wish I knew. I had to hear the nurse call out the results to my doc from across the hall. Negative... I felt at this moment I was getting ready to fall apart but it wasn't until I was getting ready to leave that I really couldn't take it anymore. I overheard a young lady there talking about how she just found out she was pregnant and it was such a big surprise because she was on birth control and how she was planning on getting her tubes tied as soon as she had it. I just thought of the unfairness of it all and I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I think I might do this next cycle with femara and then take a break from ttc.

Test day...

Test day is coming. I don't know where my positivity went but I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment. A few days ago I dreamed I got a bfp and I was so happy, so sure that was a sign this cycle was the one. We did have great timing with the bd'ing but something feels off.There is a serious lack of symptoms. That coupled with experience is enough for me to feel ridiculous for having any hope.I have never gotten a bfp, why would this be any different? A part of me wants to just give up. I'll never be able to afford IVF or adoption so this really does feel like I'm nearing the end of the road. I know that it's still early and things may change but I just don't see it.Test day is this Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.This is what infertility has done to me.

Last chance clomid

     This month has been a difficult one. Seems like everywhere I look there is nothing but bad news. Needless to say this was another failed cycle for me. I took a test on Christmas eve and it was a BFN **Yeah...Merry Christmas to me**so I went to the doc to inform her of our latest failure and to get another prescription for clomid. She suspects I may have a mild form of PCOS? I'm confused by this because I have fairly regular periods, nothing ever showed up in the scan I had done some years ago and I seem to ovulate regularly though some months I've noticed I ovulate fairly late and my fluctuating luteal phase which has ranged from 12 to 19 days (was reviewing my ff chart statistics today). She hasn't ordered anymore blood work but I think she may be waiting till I finish the last cycle of clomid. Oh yeah she said this will be my last cycle on clomid. I'm going to be taking 150 that's higher than last cycle so I'm going to brace myself for some awesome side effects. This cycle my side effects were headaches, hot flashes and dizzy spells. Fun, fun, fun. The things we go through to get pregnant. Doc also said that if the next cycle of clomid doesn't work she will put me on femara. I hate that this cycle wasn't the one but at least things seem to be moving in the right direction. To those who had failed cycles or suffered a loss I pray that 2013 is our year. Sending you all big hugs, best wishes and lots of baby dust!!!

Sucker punched

  Today I thought I would be writing about the side effects of Clomid I experienced but as of yesterday this post turned into a little more than that. I was getting ready to move out of state with OH, we were going to get a fresh new start. Better pay, ***health insurance*** more free time to spend with each other and the possibility of actually seeing an RE. A week before my OH was scheduled to go, he receives an email. This email was informing us that we would no longer be moving, that things would for now continue as they had. Needless to say we were devastated. We waited almost 2 years to get an opportunity like this one and it blew up in our face. My heart is broken. I would like to ask those who pray to include us in your prayers.

AF,Clomid and December Cycle

     Hi everyone, Aunt Flow finally paid me her monthly visit. She was more than fashionably late. Unfortunately I didn't take it as well as I thought I would so I spent the majority of that day crying, sulking and wallowing in bitterness and hopelessness. Now that that's over I guess I should be bracing myself for things to come. I've read that Clomid has a lovely array of side effects and though I may get none, there is the possibility that I will have some of them. After all I'm not known for being lucky lol. I will be starting Clomid tomorrow and I will blog about the side effects or lack of side effects so stay tuned lol. Forgot to mention I'm going to give temping one last shot this cycle ugh I'm not excited about that but I'm willing to tryone more time for the sake of a BFP.


    How am I feeling about this cycle? well...I feel like what will be, will be.I need to work on acceptance if I'm going to get through this journey with some shred of sanity. Finding peace and caring for myself has become more of a focus for me this cycle. I've been rather depressed and I can't let it get any worse than it already is. This infertility has taken over too much of my life and I need to get it back because this is not living. Don't get me wrong though I'm not quitting or giving this cycle any less effort. I'm still fighting this battle, I'm just trying to remember that there are more things in life than this misery. Things that I should enjoy. Things that I will enjoy. Wish me luck! *good luck* and **Baby dust** to all!