Negative thoughts ugh :(

My state of relaxation has been interrupted. Negative thoughts and fears have crept into my head. I'm not sure what triggered them but they are here and I'm having trouble shaking them. I think it's because I've had time to think about how this time there is no doubt I'm the infertile one, the only infertile one and this hsg is really going to happen and what the outcome could possibly be. It's strange but I'm more afraid of them not finding anything wrong than of them finding something wrong. I feel like if they don't then I'm at square one. How can my infertility problem be addressed or corrected if they can't find the source? What if what they find is beyond repair or beyond my means? Then of course the questions lead to the will I ever get pregnant? I don't believe in my body and it's so hard to have faith in something that has never happened. There is a deep gutting sadness that comes with infertility that I can't even begin to explain. A feeling of isolation of being an outcast.. I feel less able to relate to my loved ones and OH as I'm sure they feel about me. That takes a toll on your heart and soul. I told you I'd write about the bad.

Puerto Rico here I come!

I went to my doctor's appointment today to get the results for the semen analysis and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I figured my OH would have average results, we already knew I was definitely the infertile one because of my ttc history. Well he did not have average results. My doc actually said those were the best results she had ever seen and even gave me a copy so he could see for himself. Everything was well above average motility, morphology and count. This was so important to me because now that he's been ruled out my doc can focus on me. Doc said after my hsg she is going to put me on clomid so I'm happy about that I feel closer to progress, closer to my dream. On other news I'm currently on my 2ww. I used my opk and cervical position and texture as reference as I have a serious lack of fertile cervical mucus I used preseed and timed babydancing accordingly :) this 2ww I'm happy to say I feel so relaxed. Now that I'm not charting bbt I feel liberated, no more obsessing and wondering which one is my real o date when ff decides to change it based on my temps 3 times in one cycle. I'm free from driving myself crazy lol but most of all I am feeling more relaxed because I feel either way I'm moving towards progress and that gives me a feeling of hope and peace. Thanks for reading, best wishes and baby dust to you all :)