Last chance clomid

     This month has been a difficult one. Seems like everywhere I look there is nothing but bad news. Needless to say this was another failed cycle for me. I took a test on Christmas eve and it was a BFN **Yeah...Merry Christmas to me**so I went to the doc to inform her of our latest failure and to get another prescription for clomid. She suspects I may have a mild form of PCOS? I'm confused by this because I have fairly regular periods, nothing ever showed up in the scan I had done some years ago and I seem to ovulate regularly though some months I've noticed I ovulate fairly late and my fluctuating luteal phase which has ranged from 12 to 19 days (was reviewing my ff chart statistics today). She hasn't ordered anymore blood work but I think she may be waiting till I finish the last cycle of clomid. Oh yeah she said this will be my last cycle on clomid. I'm going to be taking 150 that's higher than last cycle so I'm going to brace myself for some awesome side effects. This cycle my side effects were headaches, hot flashes and dizzy spells. Fun, fun, fun. The things we go through to get pregnant. Doc also said that if the next cycle of clomid doesn't work she will put me on femara. I hate that this cycle wasn't the one but at least things seem to be moving in the right direction. To those who had failed cycles or suffered a loss I pray that 2013 is our year. Sending you all big hugs, best wishes and lots of baby dust!!!

Sucker punched

  Today I thought I would be writing about the side effects of Clomid I experienced but as of yesterday this post turned into a little more than that. I was getting ready to move out of state with OH, we were going to get a fresh new start. Better pay, ***health insurance*** more free time to spend with each other and the possibility of actually seeing an RE. A week before my OH was scheduled to go, he receives an email. This email was informing us that we would no longer be moving, that things would for now continue as they had. Needless to say we were devastated. We waited almost 2 years to get an opportunity like this one and it blew up in our face. My heart is broken. I would like to ask those who pray to include us in your prayers.

AF,Clomid and December Cycle

     Hi everyone, Aunt Flow finally paid me her monthly visit. She was more than fashionably late. Unfortunately I didn't take it as well as I thought I would so I spent the majority of that day crying, sulking and wallowing in bitterness and hopelessness. Now that that's over I guess I should be bracing myself for things to come. I've read that Clomid has a lovely array of side effects and though I may get none, there is the possibility that I will have some of them. After all I'm not known for being lucky lol. I will be starting Clomid tomorrow and I will blog about the side effects or lack of side effects so stay tuned lol. Forgot to mention I'm going to give temping one last shot this cycle ugh I'm not excited about that but I'm willing to tryone more time for the sake of a BFP.


    How am I feeling about this cycle? well...I feel like what will be, will be.I need to work on acceptance if I'm going to get through this journey with some shred of sanity. Finding peace and caring for myself has become more of a focus for me this cycle. I've been rather depressed and I can't let it get any worse than it already is. This infertility has taken over too much of my life and I need to get it back because this is not living. Don't get me wrong though I'm not quitting or giving this cycle any less effort. I'm still fighting this battle, I'm just trying to remember that there are more things in life than this misery. Things that I should enjoy. Things that I will enjoy. Wish me luck! *good luck* and **Baby dust** to all!

The wait for the unpleasant old hag "Aunt Flow"

     Hello everyone, I am on CD42 17dpo currently waiting for AF and as fate would have it she is fashionably late. This cycle I had a very late ovulation on CD25 (a first for me) so I thought by 14dpo the hag would have made her monthly visit but she didn't. On the morning of 16dpo I reluctantly took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning and guess what... BFN!!!! Surprise surprise. Nothing like a negative pregnancy test when you're ttc to set the tone for the day. Ok so I wasn't very shocked I mean I've never had a BFP...ever. I honestly didn't believe I would get pregnant without some kind of help. I don't really "feel" pregnant so I don't really think I got a false negative. I just want AF to hurry up so I can start clomid I mean I'm on CD42 here wth? I haven't even been cramping so that makes me worry that she's not going to show up anytime soon.Other times I'm so sure that I'm pregnant and the bitch shows up on CD29 UGH!!! Sorry guys ranty post but I am pissed and I had to get it out. Much love and babydust****

Infertility, Family and Being Thankful

      When it comes to my infertility not everyone in my family has been understanding. I spent almost 10 years in denial, trying to keep it low key and making up excuses as to why I had not yet produced any offspring. One can only pretend and make excuses for so long so by the time I "came out" with my infertility people had long been talking about it behind my back, whispering their opinions as to what could be going on and how I should handle it. Most of it was not of a malicious nature but hurt and made me feel shame all the same. I really wish some of those had not reached my ears. Now once I fully "came out" as an infertile I began to educate my family members and friends and they became more understanding, some did anyways lol. However there are always those that are inconsiderate. I have reached a point in my journey where I just can't deal with these people so I promptly put them in their place. Now that we have mentioned the ugly lets move forward with the good.


         There are members of my family and I include my OH that have given me so much support and I am so thankful that they are in my life. They have seen me at my lowest moments and given me a shoulder to cry on and have helped me in more ways than I can say. I wish that I could repay them for all that they have done for me and I hope to God that one day I can. In this journey it is important to have appreciation for those who have helped and provided support in one way or another. Not everyone is understanding or kind and sometimes it is easy to focus on those people or comments when times are hard. Infertility is a pain so deep, a yearning so strong that it can blind you to all the wonderful people and things that are in our lives. Let's make a conscious effort to remember our loved ones and their kind words and actions when we are feeling alone and low. Let's make a conscious effort to enjoy the time we spend with them and to thank God we have them in our lives. I certainly will. Thank you all for taking the time to read this post and I hope that in some way you may find it helpful. **Good luck and babydust***

"O" my, now what?

I write this post while still in Puerto Rico. I lost my great grandmother and stayed a couple more days to attend her funeral. She was a kind and generous woman, she passed away at the age of 95 surrounded by loved ones. As you may have read before I was going to get an hsg done while here in Puerto Rico and I did so for those who haven't had it done I will do my best to describe it. I went to the lab early that morning without food or drink since the night before and they sent me to another lab to have a mandatory pregnancy test (blood test). After I got the results I took a percocet and went back to the original lab and was sent to the room where I was to have the hsg performed, there I waited for the doc and nurse. The nurse came in first and had me take of my clothes from the waist down. Then the doc came in and inserted the speculum and I was so tense so it took a bit longer than usual. Then he inserted the catheter and injected the dye which was (like really bad cramps). I had to move a couple of times for them to take the xrays and that was not pleasant. Once the hsg was done the pain faded quickly. The doctor then told me everything looked good (my uterus was well outlined, both tubes indicated patency) and that he would wait for me to come back to have an u/s performed cause he believed I would be pregnamt soon. I want to believe that I will but it hasn't happened so far, only time will tell. I have been using the opk n I haven't ovulated yet so I probably will when I get back Saturday which means I still have a shot to ttc this cycle. On the 12th I have a doc appt and I will get my presctiption for clomid which if I don't get pregnant this cycle I will start clomid next cycle. In the mean time I keep hearing about everybody else's pregnancy, it is overwhelming it seems like I'm the only one who hasn't been able to conceive. I hope I'm pregnant before this year ends :/ Good luck and baby dust to my fellow infertiles.

Negative thoughts ugh :(

My state of relaxation has been interrupted. Negative thoughts and fears have crept into my head. I'm not sure what triggered them but they are here and I'm having trouble shaking them. I think it's because I've had time to think about how this time there is no doubt I'm the infertile one, the only infertile one and this hsg is really going to happen and what the outcome could possibly be. It's strange but I'm more afraid of them not finding anything wrong than of them finding something wrong. I feel like if they don't then I'm at square one. How can my infertility problem be addressed or corrected if they can't find the source? What if what they find is beyond repair or beyond my means? Then of course the questions lead to the will I ever get pregnant? I don't believe in my body and it's so hard to have faith in something that has never happened. There is a deep gutting sadness that comes with infertility that I can't even begin to explain. A feeling of isolation of being an outcast.. I feel less able to relate to my loved ones and OH as I'm sure they feel about me. That takes a toll on your heart and soul. I told you I'd write about the bad.

Puerto Rico here I come!

I went to my doctor's appointment today to get the results for the semen analysis and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I figured my OH would have average results, we already knew I was definitely the infertile one because of my ttc history. Well he did not have average results. My doc actually said those were the best results she had ever seen and even gave me a copy so he could see for himself. Everything was well above average motility, morphology and count. This was so important to me because now that he's been ruled out my doc can focus on me. Doc said after my hsg she is going to put me on clomid so I'm happy about that I feel closer to progress, closer to my dream. On other news I'm currently on my 2ww. I used my opk and cervical position and texture as reference as I have a serious lack of fertile cervical mucus I used preseed and timed babydancing accordingly :) this 2ww I'm happy to say I feel so relaxed. Now that I'm not charting bbt I feel liberated, no more obsessing and wondering which one is my real o date when ff decides to change it based on my temps 3 times in one cycle. I'm free from driving myself crazy lol but most of all I am feeling more relaxed because I feel either way I'm moving towards progress and that gives me a feeling of hope and peace. Thanks for reading, best wishes and baby dust to you all :)

BBT vs OPK

  

  This is a mini post and for that I am sorry. Ah yes, the 2 week wait with a twist. As if the 2 week wait was not stressful enough... according to my temps I ovulated 4 days ago but according to my opk I ovulated after that, most likely yesterday. My cervical position and texture align with the opk. Aren't the opk supposed to be positive just before ovulation? well mine have been positive after alleged ovulation this  cycle so I don't know what to trust. Why would it be positive after? What should I go with bbt or opk? I'm so confused. Please help :(

Puerto Rico and an hsg test = maybe

   I talked to my doc about "operation hsg" (read previous post) and she said she would order it for me if they accept to perform the test with her orders. Now I just have to wait and see if my cycle goes as planned for that month so I can have the hsg done on CD10. She didn't find anything unusual during the pelvic exam so all clear there. She ordered a SA for my bf so he should be getting that done soon and then we can focus on what the heck is going on with my body.I feel really good now that I feel I may actually get some answers. It is so important that one finds a doctor you can trust, one that will actually help and understands where you're coming from. In the mean time I will be charting temps, cm, cp and "o" tracker. I'm hoping I'll get it right this cycle and not completely miss my window as I did previously. Who knows miracles can happen, I may be pregnant before I get the hsg done *fingers crossed* ;)

 

 

Today's quote... "Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that change will bring you to peaceful shores"

International "Operation hsg"?

Later today I have another appointment with my doctor. I will be having a pelvic exam to check for signs of infection, endometriosis, or any visible signs of what could possibly be causing my infertility. In this past week I had to think about how I would go about getting an hsg test since I have no insurance at the moment. So here's what I have so far...In October I am going to Puerto Rico for my grandparents'  50th wedding anniversary, this trip is already paid for. I found out that an hsg test and required pregnancy test are about a 4th of the price of what I would be charged here in the US so I was thinking while I'm there I could try to get this done. The cons of this whole "operation hsg" are I need a doc there to order the test for me or to at least consider ordering it for me because of my medical history with infertility here, I also have to have the hsg test done on CD10 and though according to my calculations and fertility friend I should be in PR around that time, we all know that predicting your next period is not an exact science so it's all kind of a gamble. Today when I go for my exam I'm going to ask my doc if she can help with this ordeal and if she agrees I'm going to work on finding out if a lab in PR can do it with her ordering the hsg or if a doc in PR will order it based on her recommendations and my medical history. I am praying and hoping this all works out so I can get the hsg done in PR. All prayers, finger crossing and positive thoughts are appreciated.

 

 

Today's quote   "The hard times you go through will lead you to the good times you'll have"

Cycle Fail... but wait there's more!

This cycle had some unexpected twists and turns. I charted temps, cm, cp and I used O trackers. In spite of my efforts i miscalculated my O day and completely missed my window. I held out hopes that my chart was mistaken as it had been before (it falsely claimed I o'd earlier) so I waited but now after 2 ominous temp drops in a row, I think it's safe to call it a bust. I can't deny I'm disappointed in how it all played out but I have to admit there is still hope and lots of it! :) I have a doc appointment on Wednesday and I'm determined to get some answers and some much needed help. I need to know what my options are, what is going on with my body that's not allowing me to conceive. I will be heard this time, I will not be dismissed because of my age or any other reason for that matter. I need to know. I will not stop fighting, this is what I want most. My biggest dream in life. I'm going to reach for it. As always I would like to leave you all with a quote...

"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine"  

"O" day alert!

     In my head it feels like there's a million little cells running around in chaos yelling "O" alert! 'O" alert! while some kind of loud siren sounds off in the background.

On CD13 I got a confirmed positive on my "O" tracker. Unfortunately there was no BD due to my BF feeling ill. But tonight my friends is the night ;) I had another positive today on my "O" tracker so I'm really hoping I haven't missed my window of opportunity. According to my BBT chart I haven't missed my window so I'm feeling rather positive. I would like to ask everyone who ventures into this post if you could kindly send me positive thoughts and *baby dust*. I've waited 10 years for my chance, I pray this is the one even though odds are against me. Sorry this is such a short post. I would like to leave you all with a quote ...

                                                      "Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your Dreams"

TTC messing with my mind

   Today a thought made its way into my head, once there it wreaked a little havoc and left me feeling not so great at first. I started thinking about the "what ifs", yes it's only CD9 but my mind could not help but wonder. I thought maybe I let too much time go by. What if I'm not ovulating anymore? What if I have poor egg quality? What if my uterus is no good?(hasn't really been for the last 10 years) What if something is wrong with my tubes or ovaries and it was just missed? What if? what if? what if? Well after what seemed like an endless amount of time (probably half n hour) of feeling like maybe I should just wait until I find a suitable doctor, I thought there really isn't anything I can do right now about these "what if" scenarios so why don't I...

1- Just take a deep breath.

2- Acknowledge the thoughts and worries.

3- Acknowledge that there isn't anything that can be done about them at the moment.

4- Realize that I still very much want to give it a try even if there is a negative outcome.

 5- Keep going and think positively.

  
    The truth is I don't know what will happen in the future but it's not going to keep me from trying that much I do know. I would like to leave you all with a quote ...

                 "Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose"  

This is not my first rodeo...

   As I had stated in my first post I have been ttc before so when I went to buy my ttc supplies I knew what the basics were. I bought an OPK, BBT thermometer (Oh yes, I'm charting) and the dreaded pregnancy tests. See in my first post I failed to mention I had gone to a fertility specialist a few years back and I was "checked out" and apparently everything was in good shape . He actually saw that I was getting ready to release an egg *sigh* ahhhh yes I was and am ovulating. From what he could see there was nothing wrong with my uterus or ovaries. This did not have the expected effect of elation, oh no this actually made me feel devastated because the reality was I wasn't getting pregnant. Then I was dismissed because I was young and according to him "I had time". So now I'm back to charting. Truth is I think I'm actually scared of going back to a specialist and being dismissed. It's ok though, I'm feeling pretty positive that things may just work out with good timing, vitamins  and baby aspirin. Please don't mistake this for me being delusional because I'm well aware that this may not work at all and that I may just be avoiding the inevitable. I'm just hopeful. I would like to leave you all with a question if you happen by this post feel free to leave an answer on my comments,what have you added or taken off your diet to improve your chances at ttc?  

My infertile life ... story.

Ive always wanted to be a mother. When I was a child I would pray that my dolls would turn into babies lol.My story began almost 10 yrs ago. Got married young started ttc and... ended up with no baby and 4 barren years later a divorce. Now I'm 28 in a committed relationship and ready to start ttc again though we had not been avoiding having children they seem to be avoiding us. On a more personal level I'm the oldest of 3 and the only daughter , I'm Puerto rican and my younger brother's wife just added triplets to their beautiful family so yeah the pressure is definitely there. Now before you go whoa just know I'm trying to get through this with hope and positivity but I'm going to keep it 100 in this blog so its gonna have the good and the bad of ttc with awesome unexplained primary infertility.