Not my day

When I took a pregnancy test this morning I knew it would be negative so when I saw the results confirm my suspicions I was not surprised but not being surprised did not mean not disappointed. As I was headed to my doctor's office I felt the warm tears start to roll down my face. I composed myself as well as I could in the waiting room until I noticed it was full of babies. There was an older couple with their grandson talking to some other patient about how wonderful it was to be a grandparent and what not and how cute he was and I just thought I might never get to give my parents a grandchild. Needless to say more tears came. I hid my crying as best I could. My name was called and in I went. I told my doc about the failed pregnancy test and she had me take another one there. Why? I wish I knew. I had to hear the nurse call out the results to my doc from across the hall. Negative... I felt at this moment I was getting ready to fall apart but it wasn't until I was getting ready to leave that I really couldn't take it anymore. I overheard a young lady there talking about how she just found out she was pregnant and it was such a big surprise because she was on birth control and how she was planning on getting her tubes tied as soon as she had it. I just thought of the unfairness of it all and I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I think I might do this next cycle with femara and then take a break from ttc.

Test day...

Test day is coming. I don't know where my positivity went but I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment. A few days ago I dreamed I got a bfp and I was so happy, so sure that was a sign this cycle was the one. We did have great timing with the bd'ing but something feels off.There is a serious lack of symptoms. That coupled with experience is enough for me to feel ridiculous for having any hope.I have never gotten a bfp, why would this be any different? A part of me wants to just give up. I'll never be able to afford IVF or adoption so this really does feel like I'm nearing the end of the road. I know that it's still early and things may change but I just don't see it.Test day is this Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.This is what infertility has done to me.