"O" my, now what?

I write this post while still in Puerto Rico. I lost my great grandmother and stayed a couple more days to attend her funeral. She was a kind and generous woman, she passed away at the age of 95 surrounded by loved ones. As you may have read before I was going to get an hsg done while here in Puerto Rico and I did so for those who haven't had it done I will do my best to describe it. I went to the lab early that morning without food or drink since the night before and they sent me to another lab to have a mandatory pregnancy test (blood test). After I got the results I took a percocet and went back to the original lab and was sent to the room where I was to have the hsg performed, there I waited for the doc and nurse. The nurse came in first and had me take of my clothes from the waist down. Then the doc came in and inserted the speculum and I was so tense so it took a bit longer than usual. Then he inserted the catheter and injected the dye which was (like really bad cramps). I had to move a couple of times for them to take the xrays and that was not pleasant. Once the hsg was done the pain faded quickly. The doctor then told me everything looked good (my uterus was well outlined, both tubes indicated patency) and that he would wait for me to come back to have an u/s performed cause he believed I would be pregnamt soon. I want to believe that I will but it hasn't happened so far, only time will tell. I have been using the opk n I haven't ovulated yet so I probably will when I get back Saturday which means I still have a shot to ttc this cycle. On the 12th I have a doc appt and I will get my presctiption for clomid which if I don't get pregnant this cycle I will start clomid next cycle. In the mean time I keep hearing about everybody else's pregnancy, it is overwhelming it seems like I'm the only one who hasn't been able to conceive. I hope I'm pregnant before this year ends :/ Good luck and baby dust to my fellow infertiles.

Negative thoughts ugh :(

My state of relaxation has been interrupted. Negative thoughts and fears have crept into my head. I'm not sure what triggered them but they are here and I'm having trouble shaking them. I think it's because I've had time to think about how this time there is no doubt I'm the infertile one, the only infertile one and this hsg is really going to happen and what the outcome could possibly be. It's strange but I'm more afraid of them not finding anything wrong than of them finding something wrong. I feel like if they don't then I'm at square one. How can my infertility problem be addressed or corrected if they can't find the source? What if what they find is beyond repair or beyond my means? Then of course the questions lead to the will I ever get pregnant? I don't believe in my body and it's so hard to have faith in something that has never happened. There is a deep gutting sadness that comes with infertility that I can't even begin to explain. A feeling of isolation of being an outcast.. I feel less able to relate to my loved ones and OH as I'm sure they feel about me. That takes a toll on your heart and soul. I told you I'd write about the bad.

Puerto Rico here I come!

I went to my doctor's appointment today to get the results for the semen analysis and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I figured my OH would have average results, we already knew I was definitely the infertile one because of my ttc history. Well he did not have average results. My doc actually said those were the best results she had ever seen and even gave me a copy so he could see for himself. Everything was well above average motility, morphology and count. This was so important to me because now that he's been ruled out my doc can focus on me. Doc said after my hsg she is going to put me on clomid so I'm happy about that I feel closer to progress, closer to my dream. On other news I'm currently on my 2ww. I used my opk and cervical position and texture as reference as I have a serious lack of fertile cervical mucus I used preseed and timed babydancing accordingly :) this 2ww I'm happy to say I feel so relaxed. Now that I'm not charting bbt I feel liberated, no more obsessing and wondering which one is my real o date when ff decides to change it based on my temps 3 times in one cycle. I'm free from driving myself crazy lol but most of all I am feeling more relaxed because I feel either way I'm moving towards progress and that gives me a feeling of hope and peace. Thanks for reading, best wishes and baby dust to you all :)

BBT vs OPK

  

  This is a mini post and for that I am sorry. Ah yes, the 2 week wait with a twist. As if the 2 week wait was not stressful enough... according to my temps I ovulated 4 days ago but according to my opk I ovulated after that, most likely yesterday. My cervical position and texture align with the opk. Aren't the opk supposed to be positive just before ovulation? well mine have been positive after alleged ovulation this  cycle so I don't know what to trust. Why would it be positive after? What should I go with bbt or opk? I'm so confused. Please help :(

Puerto Rico and an hsg test = maybe

   I talked to my doc about "operation hsg" (read previous post) and she said she would order it for me if they accept to perform the test with her orders. Now I just have to wait and see if my cycle goes as planned for that month so I can have the hsg done on CD10. She didn't find anything unusual during the pelvic exam so all clear there. She ordered a SA for my bf so he should be getting that done soon and then we can focus on what the heck is going on with my body.I feel really good now that I feel I may actually get some answers. It is so important that one finds a doctor you can trust, one that will actually help and understands where you're coming from. In the mean time I will be charting temps, cm, cp and "o" tracker. I'm hoping I'll get it right this cycle and not completely miss my window as I did previously. Who knows miracles can happen, I may be pregnant before I get the hsg done *fingers crossed* ;)

 

 

Today's quote... "Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that change will bring you to peaceful shores"

International "Operation hsg"?

Later today I have another appointment with my doctor. I will be having a pelvic exam to check for signs of infection, endometriosis, or any visible signs of what could possibly be causing my infertility. In this past week I had to think about how I would go about getting an hsg test since I have no insurance at the moment. So here's what I have so far...In October I am going to Puerto Rico for my grandparents'  50th wedding anniversary, this trip is already paid for. I found out that an hsg test and required pregnancy test are about a 4th of the price of what I would be charged here in the US so I was thinking while I'm there I could try to get this done. The cons of this whole "operation hsg" are I need a doc there to order the test for me or to at least consider ordering it for me because of my medical history with infertility here, I also have to have the hsg test done on CD10 and though according to my calculations and fertility friend I should be in PR around that time, we all know that predicting your next period is not an exact science so it's all kind of a gamble. Today when I go for my exam I'm going to ask my doc if she can help with this ordeal and if she agrees I'm going to work on finding out if a lab in PR can do it with her ordering the hsg or if a doc in PR will order it based on her recommendations and my medical history. I am praying and hoping this all works out so I can get the hsg done in PR. All prayers, finger crossing and positive thoughts are appreciated.

 

 

Today's quote   "The hard times you go through will lead you to the good times you'll have"

Cycle Fail... but wait there's more!

This cycle had some unexpected twists and turns. I charted temps, cm, cp and I used O trackers. In spite of my efforts i miscalculated my O day and completely missed my window. I held out hopes that my chart was mistaken as it had been before (it falsely claimed I o'd earlier) so I waited but now after 2 ominous temp drops in a row, I think it's safe to call it a bust. I can't deny I'm disappointed in how it all played out but I have to admit there is still hope and lots of it! :) I have a doc appointment on Wednesday and I'm determined to get some answers and some much needed help. I need to know what my options are, what is going on with my body that's not allowing me to conceive. I will be heard this time, I will not be dismissed because of my age or any other reason for that matter. I need to know. I will not stop fighting, this is what I want most. My biggest dream in life. I'm going to reach for it. As always I would like to leave you all with a quote...

"Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine"