Not my day

When I took a pregnancy test this morning I knew it would be negative so when I saw the results confirm my suspicions I was not surprised but not being surprised did not mean not disappointed. As I was headed to my doctor's office I felt the warm tears start to roll down my face. I composed myself as well as I could in the waiting room until I noticed it was full of babies. There was an older couple with their grandson talking to some other patient about how wonderful it was to be a grandparent and what not and how cute he was and I just thought I might never get to give my parents a grandchild. Needless to say more tears came. I hid my crying as best I could. My name was called and in I went. I told my doc about the failed pregnancy test and she had me take another one there. Why? I wish I knew. I had to hear the nurse call out the results to my doc from across the hall. Negative... I felt at this moment I was getting ready to fall apart but it wasn't until I was getting ready to leave that I really couldn't take it anymore. I overheard a young lady there talking about how she just found out she was pregnant and it was such a big surprise because she was on birth control and how she was planning on getting her tubes tied as soon as she had it. I just thought of the unfairness of it all and I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I think I might do this next cycle with femara and then take a break from ttc.

Test day...

Test day is coming. I don't know where my positivity went but I'm not feeling hopeful at the moment. A few days ago I dreamed I got a bfp and I was so happy, so sure that was a sign this cycle was the one. We did have great timing with the bd'ing but something feels off.There is a serious lack of symptoms. That coupled with experience is enough for me to feel ridiculous for having any hope.I have never gotten a bfp, why would this be any different? A part of me wants to just give up. I'll never be able to afford IVF or adoption so this really does feel like I'm nearing the end of the road. I know that it's still early and things may change but I just don't see it.Test day is this Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it.This is what infertility has done to me.

Last chance clomid

     This month has been a difficult one. Seems like everywhere I look there is nothing but bad news. Needless to say this was another failed cycle for me. I took a test on Christmas eve and it was a BFN **Yeah...Merry Christmas to me**so I went to the doc to inform her of our latest failure and to get another prescription for clomid. She suspects I may have a mild form of PCOS? I'm confused by this because I have fairly regular periods, nothing ever showed up in the scan I had done some years ago and I seem to ovulate regularly though some months I've noticed I ovulate fairly late and my fluctuating luteal phase which has ranged from 12 to 19 days (was reviewing my ff chart statistics today). She hasn't ordered anymore blood work but I think she may be waiting till I finish the last cycle of clomid. Oh yeah she said this will be my last cycle on clomid. I'm going to be taking 150 that's higher than last cycle so I'm going to brace myself for some awesome side effects. This cycle my side effects were headaches, hot flashes and dizzy spells. Fun, fun, fun. The things we go through to get pregnant. Doc also said that if the next cycle of clomid doesn't work she will put me on femara. I hate that this cycle wasn't the one but at least things seem to be moving in the right direction. To those who had failed cycles or suffered a loss I pray that 2013 is our year. Sending you all big hugs, best wishes and lots of baby dust!!!

Sucker punched

  Today I thought I would be writing about the side effects of Clomid I experienced but as of yesterday this post turned into a little more than that. I was getting ready to move out of state with OH, we were going to get a fresh new start. Better pay, ***health insurance*** more free time to spend with each other and the possibility of actually seeing an RE. A week before my OH was scheduled to go, he receives an email. This email was informing us that we would no longer be moving, that things would for now continue as they had. Needless to say we were devastated. We waited almost 2 years to get an opportunity like this one and it blew up in our face. My heart is broken. I would like to ask those who pray to include us in your prayers.

AF,Clomid and December Cycle

     Hi everyone, Aunt Flow finally paid me her monthly visit. She was more than fashionably late. Unfortunately I didn't take it as well as I thought I would so I spent the majority of that day crying, sulking and wallowing in bitterness and hopelessness. Now that that's over I guess I should be bracing myself for things to come. I've read that Clomid has a lovely array of side effects and though I may get none, there is the possibility that I will have some of them. After all I'm not known for being lucky lol. I will be starting Clomid tomorrow and I will blog about the side effects or lack of side effects so stay tuned lol. Forgot to mention I'm going to give temping one last shot this cycle ugh I'm not excited about that but I'm willing to tryone more time for the sake of a BFP.


    How am I feeling about this cycle? well...I feel like what will be, will be.I need to work on acceptance if I'm going to get through this journey with some shred of sanity. Finding peace and caring for myself has become more of a focus for me this cycle. I've been rather depressed and I can't let it get any worse than it already is. This infertility has taken over too much of my life and I need to get it back because this is not living. Don't get me wrong though I'm not quitting or giving this cycle any less effort. I'm still fighting this battle, I'm just trying to remember that there are more things in life than this misery. Things that I should enjoy. Things that I will enjoy. Wish me luck! *good luck* and **Baby dust** to all!

The wait for the unpleasant old hag "Aunt Flow"

     Hello everyone, I am on CD42 17dpo currently waiting for AF and as fate would have it she is fashionably late. This cycle I had a very late ovulation on CD25 (a first for me) so I thought by 14dpo the hag would have made her monthly visit but she didn't. On the morning of 16dpo I reluctantly took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning and guess what... BFN!!!! Surprise surprise. Nothing like a negative pregnancy test when you're ttc to set the tone for the day. Ok so I wasn't very shocked I mean I've never had a BFP...ever. I honestly didn't believe I would get pregnant without some kind of help. I don't really "feel" pregnant so I don't really think I got a false negative. I just want AF to hurry up so I can start clomid I mean I'm on CD42 here wth? I haven't even been cramping so that makes me worry that she's not going to show up anytime soon.Other times I'm so sure that I'm pregnant and the bitch shows up on CD29 UGH!!! Sorry guys ranty post but I am pissed and I had to get it out. Much love and babydust****

Infertility, Family and Being Thankful

      When it comes to my infertility not everyone in my family has been understanding. I spent almost 10 years in denial, trying to keep it low key and making up excuses as to why I had not yet produced any offspring. One can only pretend and make excuses for so long so by the time I "came out" with my infertility people had long been talking about it behind my back, whispering their opinions as to what could be going on and how I should handle it. Most of it was not of a malicious nature but hurt and made me feel shame all the same. I really wish some of those had not reached my ears. Now once I fully "came out" as an infertile I began to educate my family members and friends and they became more understanding, some did anyways lol. However there are always those that are inconsiderate. I have reached a point in my journey where I just can't deal with these people so I promptly put them in their place. Now that we have mentioned the ugly lets move forward with the good.


         There are members of my family and I include my OH that have given me so much support and I am so thankful that they are in my life. They have seen me at my lowest moments and given me a shoulder to cry on and have helped me in more ways than I can say. I wish that I could repay them for all that they have done for me and I hope to God that one day I can. In this journey it is important to have appreciation for those who have helped and provided support in one way or another. Not everyone is understanding or kind and sometimes it is easy to focus on those people or comments when times are hard. Infertility is a pain so deep, a yearning so strong that it can blind you to all the wonderful people and things that are in our lives. Let's make a conscious effort to remember our loved ones and their kind words and actions when we are feeling alone and low. Let's make a conscious effort to enjoy the time we spend with them and to thank God we have them in our lives. I certainly will. Thank you all for taking the time to read this post and I hope that in some way you may find it helpful. **Good luck and babydust***